Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i think my cat just said my name.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
