You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
