so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
