Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
