And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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