I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
