I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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