when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
