I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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