I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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