Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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