You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
