I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he wants to bone in the snuggie
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
