When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
