I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
