while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
