My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
