if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
