my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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