i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
