I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
