so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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