I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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