Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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