If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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