Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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