he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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