i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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