I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
