She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
