Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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