i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
