My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
