What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
