1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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