I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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