k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
