if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
