theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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