Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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