he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
