I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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