The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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