i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
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