Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
