i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
