I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
