Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
