her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
