haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
