the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
