The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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